When I think about this, it kinda makes me want to bang my head against the closest wall. There was a time when I thought accepting the things I'd done was difficult, then accepting my sexuality, although I kinda see where maybe I should have done the latter first, then the former - might have been easier - but that ain't how it happened. It was one of those rare effect and cause situation, you know, when you do something and then think about what made you do it.
I thought that dealing with my thoughts about being bisexual was bothersome, just as playing the waiting game for the right guy to come along. No, the biggest problem is now deciding what exactly does being bisexual means to me right at this moment. The answer is: I don't know.
I went to the site I belong to for things bisexual... and almost immediately saw a lot of the same old thing, guys hitting me up after only being online for a few minutes, asking if and when a hook-up can be arranged. It made me ask myself if something I once thought was special and different had now become as commonplace as cell phones: Has being bisexual lost its meaning for me?
On the one hand, it pleases me to see so many diverse men embrace this in whatever way they do; just the same, it makes me sad to see it become almost commercial and a thing to do more than a way to be. I no longer see the flexibility in thinking I learned so long ago; all that seems to remain is the hunger for cock and ass. Gone is the selectivity, the meeting of minds, not as much to determine compatibility but that sense of belonging to something different.
Being bisexual is more than just the sex; as I've said to others, it's not just a thing to do, it's a state of mind as well. Duality of action and of thought, an ability to clearly see both sides of something and then being able to follow it to whatever logical conclusion it comes to... or not. It's about defying the standard definition; it's about making it mean what YOU want it to mean - but the "problem" becomes one of scattered ways of thinking and acting upon this, the whole sheet of glass becoming fractured to the point where trying to figure out where all the pieces fit becomes more and more difficult - and discovering where your piece fits is almost impossible.
It's not about being comfortable doing something bisexual; it's about being comfortable knowing that you are bisexual and that, if you choose or like, can do a thing: It's not the thing, it's the thoughts and feelings driving it... and I wonder now where all of this has gone in the 21st century. I see and hear of so many men who are loathe to admit to being bisexual, choosing to adopt a more "manly" word for it, like heteroflexible, whatever the fuck that means. It's become such a conditional thing to do now; even in the near past, all it took was two guys coming together and deciding, right on the spot, that this is what they wanted to do (all necessary precautions taken beforehand, of course); now men have to have all the planets and stars lined up in just the precise way before they'll even consider it - what happened to doing it simply because you could and having fun because you can?
Male bisexuals still hide in closets of their own making, fearing the stigma that comes along with this sexual preference. And, really, the "problems" associated with being a bisexual man are plentiful and, in a lot of cases, undeserved; people tend to think that if one bisexual man is promiscuous and disease-ridden, they all are - a horny, indiscriminate Typhoid Manny, if you will.
Some think that being bisexual is not being manly - and that's bullshit. If you care to think of it, it takes a man to have sex with another man - the brass balls we're all alleged to have. While the sex a bisexual man can have is, in fact, purely homosexual, it's never about the act - again, it's the thoughts and feelings that drive it. The fact that you'd just as easily have sex with a woman should make anything a man does with another man something to not worry about or, simply, if you still love pussy, you ain't homosexual by any means.
I hear men always saying, "I don't like men like that!" As I've probably said, who said you had to or are supposed to? I know I don't - I never did with one exception that's never reoccurred. But it's seen to be some kind of unmanly requirement when, in fact, all you have to do is "like" the guy enough to play with him. I mean, you'd trust a guy to borrow your car... but you wouldn't trust him to suck you off?
Yeah, there are reasons to deny yourself the pleasure - it's still a matter of individual choice and preference. But to deny it because you don't like men like you do women? What the fuck? You're not supposed to! Sure, you can - and there are bisexual men who do, indeed, like men as the they like women; doesn't mean you have to go that route yourself, does it?
I don't know what men think at times - and I'm a man. Cock-sucking isn't just a woman's domain; women aren't the only people who can be fucked in the ass either. So, in an ideal situation, uh, what's wrong with doing that with another guy? I hear men all over the place going, "Oh, hell no! I don't like men like that!"
Gimme a break...
I know men are scared to death of that ass thing and for a lot of men, that's a one-way street. What strikes me as funny is that those same men have no idea what it's like; doing it to someone else ain't the same as having it done to you. Oh, and, yeah - you don't have to have it done to you if you don't want to. But a lot of men feel that this is part and parcel of being a bisexual man and it is, just as things are with women, optional.
I talk to a lot of bisexual men and we almost all agree that the problem with being bisexual isn't us - it's everyone else. Even those men who are like us make themselves either unavailable or present themselves in a way that's a straight turn-off, like the thugs I tend to run into on the site I belong to. I just cannot get my head around their mentality, that rough and tough bullshit the thug life represents and, to me, a thug who's into sucking cock is only trying to make himself appear more manly when that's not even necessary. If you're going to step to me and ask for my cock and/or ass, do it like a real man because that tough-guy shit just doesn't fly with me... or anyone else I know.
Maybe I've now become disillusioned because the changes I've seen in the attitude of some bisexual men have now deviated greatly from that which I've always understood? Have I failed to adjust to the changing times, holding on to something that's no longer applicable or needed?
Do I no longer know what it's like to be bisexual?
I see and know women who would readily straddle the fence - and simply because it's a pleasure for them that doesn't have to involve a man and his whacked thinking about sex. And while you'd think more men would straddle the fence as well - if only to get away from the way women think about sex in that insane way of theirs, uh, you don't see that happening ; if all you want to do is get your rocks off without all the emotional drama women can bring to the bed, then why not do it with another guy who just might feel the same way as you do. Fuck all that romance shit and begging and pleading for their affections; with most men, you just agree on whatever, strip down, and go for it, get off, thank each other, and go on about your business. Does it get any more manly than that?
I'm beginning to think not... and I'm not sure why. I'm not "giving up" on my sexuality because, unlike a lot of men, it's as much a part of me as breathing... but I'm "disturbed." Maybe the bisexual man as I know him has become a thing of the past...
